HEY!! I live in Rahway and need a ride to work in Linden every morning at 8:30 just for the summer. Im willing to pay $50 dollars for the week and I’ll only need a ride to work. I have a ride from work. Contact Nicole.

Hi Nicole,
I drive around Union County every morning, so picking you up would be no problem. The thing is, my car looks a little bit shady lol, but it shouldn’t be a problem. You don’t even need to pay me, seeing as I probably have to go past your neighborhood anyway. I just need to stop by some schools in the morning, nothing big though, if were lucky, you wont even be riding alone!!
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
THANKS!!!! Haha, I cant believe someone actually replied. This would be PERFECTTT!!!!
But Im a little curious, what kinda car do you drive?
-Nicole

Nicole,
It’s a classic. I call it the pimp mobile. I attached a picture at the bottom of this e-mail!!
-Tom

Tom,
I HOPE YOUR FUCKING KIDDING? IM NOT RIDING IN THAT THING AND GETTING ARRESTED..I’LL FUCKIN WALK BEFORE I STEP FOOT INSIDE THAT SHIT YOU FUCKIN’ CREEPER

My flight to Newark Airport arrives on July 1. I just need a ride from the airport to my hotel, which is only 3 miles away. PLEASE HELP!!!

Tim

Get a fuckin' taxi if its only 3 miles you cheap bastard
-Jamaal

WHY DONT U GO FUCK URSELF CUZ NO ONE ASKED FOR UR INPUT
-Tim

Im not the fuckin cheap lazy one here..3 miles isnt even that far of a walk.
-Jamaal

GO TO HELL BITCH
-Tim

Keep talkin' like that and I'll fuckin' mess you up
-Jamaal

COME FUCKING SEE ME YOU SHITHOLE
-Tim

I will..I’ll be the big black ballin' dude with the fresh cut..See you then bitch.
-Jamaal

Me and my husband are going camping in upstate New York for the July 4th weekend and need a car. We are responsible drivers and we can provide references. We are both in our late 20s. We will start from Metuchen and the entire trip will take about 200 miles. Please contact Maria at **********@aol.co

Hey Maria,
I see that you need to borrow a car for the holiday weekend, well you’re in luck because me and my homeboys are hittin’ up Mertyl Beach that weekend and my car’s madd available. Lemme know if your still interested!
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
Ok, sounds awesome! Heres my phone number and we can work everything out over the phone ***-***-****.  How does $75 bucks sound?
-Maria

Maria,
This is a brand NEW car. Nothin’ less than extraordinary! Id be a fool to accept anything less than $175.
-Tom Scruffyz

Later that day…after no response

Maria,
I thought it over, and I wanna bring the price down to $100 bucks WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS!!!!!! Oh man, this offer is too good to pass up. Let me know!
-Tom Scruffyz
P.S. Your husband is going to be driving the entire way, right?

Tom,
Me and my husband are VERY INTERESTED. Give me a call tonight at 8:00.
-Maria
P.S. No, we will be sharing the driving responsibilities..Does that make a difference?

Maria,
I would feel much better if I knew my 2003 Toyota in the hands of a male driver haha.
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
I am a fully capable driver. I am been driving for over 10 years and have never been in an accident.
-Maria

Maria,
Well, Im sure you heard the joke that goes something like this: Why are woman such bad drivers? Because there are no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom. Well its true. Case closed. Your husband needs to drive the entire way.
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
GO TO HELL YOU SEXIST BASTARD

Maria,
Im still willing to do business with you. You just need to apologize...
...and make me a BLT
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
FUCK OFF

24 hours later
Maria,
Does this mean the deal is off?
-Tom Scruffyz

I would love a ride up to New York City from nearby Philadelphia on Friday or Saturday, I am a 27 year old male and a happy passenger…I will pay for gas and drive if needed. Please contact Mike at *********@yahoo.co

Hi Mike,
You’re in luck because Im actually going up to New York this Friday. My vehicle barely consumes any gas at all so you won’t need to chip in for gas. Please write back if you’re interested.
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
Yes, I am very interested. If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of vehicle do you drive that I won’t have to pay for any of the gas?

Mike,
It’s a Kent...
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
I’ve never heard of a Kent…do you have a picture of the car?
-Mike

Mike,
Sure do...here it is:

-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? THAT’S A FUCKIN BIKE, THERES NO WAY IM RIDING ON THAT THING TO NEW YORK CITY...THATS ALMOST 80 MILES YOU MORON

Mike,
I forgot to mention one thing, you need to bring your own helmet, I don’t have an extra one and we will probably be riding on the NJ Turnpike for the majority of the trip. Trust me, its no picnic.
-Tom Scruffyz

Tom,
FUCK OFF, IM NOT RIDING ON THAT FUCKIN BIKE.

Please wait while we find an agent to assist you...
You have been connected to Rachel.
Rachel: Thank you for chatting with us today. How may I help you today?
Tom Scruffyz: Hi, I’d like to buy a car for my son
Tom Scruffyz: His birthday is coming up next weekend
Rachel: Oh, excellent
Rachel: Lets see what we can find for you
Rachel: What is your price range?
Tom Scruffyz: My limit is $4000
Rachel: Ok, I’m sure we can find something within that range
Rachel: Do you have any special preferences?
Tom Scruffyz:  Yes, I want something a bit older, ‘vintage’ if you will
Tom Scruffyz: Can you help me with that?
Rachel: Ok, what about the model?  
Tom Scruffyz: It doesn’t matter
Rachel: Alright then, may I ask how you will be paying for this?
Tom Scruffyz: Cash
Tom Scruffyz: My man Jamaal is going to make the transaction for me…I dont leave behind any trials
Rachel: Ummm…ok
Tom Scruffyz: Yeah hes my assistant…what kind of bills do you prefer, 20s, 50s, 100s…???
Rachel: That is a question you should ask the sales representative at our dealership.
Tom Scruffyz: Ok then, lets stop talkin nonsense here and start talking cars…
Rachel: Ok, what color do you want the car to be?
Tom Scruffyz: Shit-tan
Rachel: Excuse me?
Tom Scruffyz: I didn’t stutter woman, I want a shit-tan vintage car  
Rachel: I think we ran out of all the ‘shit-tan’ cars…will brown be good enough for you?
Tom Scruffyz:  Yes, Im sure I can live with brown
Tom Scruffyz: Make sure its an ugly brown tho
Rachel: Im confused, this car is supposed to be a present for your son?  
Tom Scruffyz: Yes that’s right, don’t ask questions just take notes
Rachel: Alright then, any other requests that you would like to make?
Tom Scruffyz: Actually if it has a major problem, like the wheels aren't aligned or the tires are slashed, that would be perfect
Rachel: Sir, all our cars go through a 150 point inspection before we place them out on the lot, we would never let anyone buy a car with a problem like that
Tom Scruffyz: Alright, tell you what, if you key the shit outta the car I’ll drop an extra 50 for you
Rachel: That is out of the question
Tom Scruffyz: An extra 100?
Rachel: No, I cannot do that
Tom Scruffyz: Ok then, if you jam the brake pedal so that the brakes don’t work too well, I’ll toss you an extra 200 bucks
Rachel: What kind of an awful father would let his son drive with broken brakes?
Tom Scruffyz: Im trying to teach him to deal with adversity, its the same reason I bought him a broken Verizon phone that had no more buttons
Rachel: You’re a sick bastard
Your session has ended. You may now close this window.

This is what happens when one of my associates (Larry) spams too many discussion boards on facebook. The following is a reply from an angry, angry man with a dog.

John: stop fucking spamming...no one wants to visit that shit site of urs
John: ur just taking away from the discussion
Larry: Sir, perhaps if you would just log on and take a look at the site there would be no problems, ehh? Here's the website: www.thetoolbucket.com
John: I WILL NEVER FUCKIN VISIT THAT WEBSITE
John: GET A FUCKIN LIFE
Larry: You seem like an individual with some anger management problems...I promise you that if you visit the site you’ll laugh....Heres the link again: www.thetoolbucket.com
John: I DONT FUCKIN HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS YOU DICK
Larry: ok calm down there...I’ll be the judge of that
John: WHY DONT U FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH UR FUCKIN LIFE
Larry: Ok, I just looked at your profile picture...
Larry: It doesnt seem like your angry in it
Larry: I actually think your smiling a little bit...I cant really tell though because it seems like your missing a front tooth
John:  FUCK YOU...I HAVE ALL MY TEETH YOU BLIND MOTHERFUCKER
Larry:  Awww...is that your german shepard next to you?? Its really cute =]
John: FUCK YOU THATS MY FUCKIN WIFE YOU PRICK
John: YOU REALLY ARE BLIND ARENT YOU DICKHEAD
Larry: Please Im not that gullible, I can clearly see that’s a dog from where Im standing =]
John: FUCK YOU ASSWIPE YOU DIRTY IGNORANT BITCH
Larry: Judging from that picture...Im much cleaner than your wife
Larry: Which barnyard did you pick her out from?
John: GO TO HELL
John: YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN OWN A COMPUTER, I BET UR ONE OF THOSE BUMS THAT GOES TO LIBRARIES  AND LOGS ONTO THE PUBLIC COMPUTERS CAUSE UR TOO POOR TO BUY UR OWN
Larry: Don’t make me laugh...I just recently bought my Apple iMac...and its much younger than that thing you call your “wife”
Larry: How old is she in dog years by the way?
John: FUCK OFF JERK SHES NOT A FUCKIN DOG
John: YOUR SITE FUCKIN SUCKS COCK
Larry: Kind of like your dog?
John: FUCK YOU....IM DONE WASTING MY TIME WITH A STUPID SHITHEAD LIKE  U